As I am coming out of the fog of the last two years, I ask myself, what in the world just happened? How did we get through this? What did I actually go through? And how am I still in one piece? I knew instantly I had to process my cancer journey to move forward, and the best way I can think of to do that is to write it all out. Spill all the thoughts and feelings that come and try to make sense of and peace with them all. I don’t want time to pass and forget about the details. Some people may want just the opposite, to forget and move forward. But my breast cancer journey was also a pregnancy journey. It was complicated and intertwined. That’s why I want to hold these memories close, because even though it was so rough, it was also a very precious and beautiful time in my life. A period where I learned lots about myself and deepened other relationships. A time when people showed up in more ways than I knew were possible. A time filled with silver linings that fueled me and kept me humble and hopeful. Silver linings that brought me much comfort to know that all will be alright, whatever the outcome.

In May 2023, our lives were about to change, and deep down, I think I already knew that. We were recently pregnant, and I noticed an odd dimple on my left boob. I thought maybe it was one of those many changes to expect with pregnancy. I tried to ignore it until the date came to see our midwife, but I worried. Somehow, I think I knew that our lives were about to change in a frightening way, that I would be challenged. 

That June, it was confirmed, I had invasive ductal carcinoma. I was 35. There was no time to process the news. Suddenly, life went 100 miles per hour, one appointment after the next. There was no time to feel; I was just in it. We were just in it. Bryan, baby, and I. One of the feelings from the very beginning that has stayed with me is realizing just how seriously concerned the doctors were. I felt perfectly fine, so how could it be that I wasn’t?

I was there for all the cancer treatment and recovery (obviously!), but everything was so much and so fast that trying to recall it is simply too much to process. My mind is cluttered with all the bits and pieces in total disarray. And a warning, that’s likely to reflect in my writing! There’s a thing called chemo brain, and it sticks with you for a while. 

I hope writing will help me process all that happened (and is still happening!) and gain a better understanding of myself in this transformative life event. A space to unbury emotions and thoughts and let them exist to their capacity in order to move along lighter in the world. I can’t ignore everything that happened and just let it be in the past. I need to write to move forward with less fear, confronting life and reality, with a clearer mind. I hope this process will give me release and relief. I hope that with writing I will allow myself to exhale and my chi to flow freely. I want to heal my heart and mind, to feel better about the future and let go of the fear of what if.

There’s much to write about, and I will do it piece by piece. I tried to write a Word document for myself and came to a standstill after a few days. I think Blogging will help me stay in motion longer, it might motivate me, give me structure and help to hold me accountable. It might be helpful in some way for others to follow along, because sadly, it’s not that unusual to experience breast cancer while pregnant. 

I have a box tucked away in the top shelf of my closet filled with artifacts from my biopsy results to my survivorship packet. Journals filled with notes and questions. Markers of milestones met, last chemo, last radiation, the pen that marked my skin in my first surgery. I will dig them all out slowly, and hopefully part with most as I make peace. Photos, so many photos, of a person I can hardly recognize. I will sprinkle those here and use them as prompts to fall back into that time. Tag along if you’d like, as I recall and process my journey in kicking cancer’s butt while embracing one of the most precious experiences life can offer, becoming a mother.

Living in gratitude.

Indi